The Wizard of Oz by Jack Lockerby
Published by Zenobi Software
Release Year: 1995
Version Played: ZX Spectrum 48K
Published by Zenobi Software
Release Year: 1995
Version Played: ZX Spectrum 48K
My concern for Dorothy's health and well-being begin almost instantly when she has to clarify what Uncle Henry meant by his use of the term "a big one."
"How difficult can a text adventure based on a popular series of books and a lauded movie be?" ask the fools who have never played a text adventure in their lives. No wait. Sorry! The fools are the people who have played more than one text adventure. I apologize for my wildly inaccurate use of the word "fools."
I'm already a little bit angry at this game and I don't know anything about it. That's the proper way to approach playing a non-Infocom text adventure. You non-fools might be wondering what the difference is and I can explain it if you're a nerd who's into comic books. An Infocom game is like a comic book written by Alan Moore (but with less rape). A non-Infocom game is like a comic book written by Ann Nocenti.
You know what? That probably only clarified the difference for like five people. How about this? An Infocom text adventure is like playing a game that was created with love by competent and talented people who knew the puzzles they were making would be fair even if nearly impossible to figure out. A non-Infocom text adventure is like stepping in dog shit thirty times in a row because you can't figure out the correct verb-noun combination to not step in the dog shit.
In this text adventure, I play Dorothy. But I'm not playing the Judy Garland version of Dorothy or the L. Frank Baum version either. I'm playing the version of Dorothy from Blues Traveler's "Run-Around" video. Ooh la la!
My first attempt ends with me wasting too much time so the cyclone knocks me down and I die.
I'm already a little bit angry at this game and I don't know anything about it. That's the proper way to approach playing a non-Infocom text adventure. You non-fools might be wondering what the difference is and I can explain it if you're a nerd who's into comic books. An Infocom game is like a comic book written by Alan Moore (but with less rape). A non-Infocom game is like a comic book written by Ann Nocenti.
You know what? That probably only clarified the difference for like five people. How about this? An Infocom text adventure is like playing a game that was created with love by competent and talented people who knew the puzzles they were making would be fair even if nearly impossible to figure out. A non-Infocom text adventure is like stepping in dog shit thirty times in a row because you can't figure out the correct verb-noun combination to not step in the dog shit.
In this text adventure, I play Dorothy. But I'm not playing the Judy Garland version of Dorothy or the L. Frank Baum version either. I'm playing the version of Dorothy from Blues Traveler's "Run-Around" video. Ooh la la!
My first attempt ends with me wasting too much time so the cyclone knocks me down and I die.
Oh no. I don't die. I just get a nasty bump on my head. I guess I need to fall harder next time so I wind up in a coma so I can dream about Oz.
The next attempt, I waste no time wandering around the farm. I enter the farmhouse to find a locked trapdoor into the cellar with no idea where the key is. Is it possible Aunt Em and Uncle Henry are already in the cellar trying not to giggle and whispering at each other, "Shut up or she'll hear us!"
While searching for the key, I remember that I'm playing Dorothy from the Blues Traveler video.
While searching for the key, I remember that I'm playing Dorothy from the Blues Traveler video.
Does the game not allow it or is it one of Aunt Em's rules?
Oh, but I can remove my sandals?! This game sucks.
Now to get to Oz! It's not as easy as in the movie where Dorothy just runs around looking for Toto instead of sheltering in the cellar. In this game, you have to get into the cellar! So already the game is asking me to do things that weren't in the movie and maybe weren't in the book but I can't remember because the last time I read the entire Oz series was in 4th grade. To get into the cellar, you have to find the key to unlock it. That wasn't too hard because you can find it the way you usually find things in text adventure games: you search and examine every single object in the room. Finding the trapdoor was harder because you had to type "search room" (unless it was "examine room". Basically they're the same thing). But getting into the trapdoor was the real puzzle because the handle had been broken off! And once you're in the farmhouse, it becomes too dangerous to leave so you can't even explore the surrounding farm for items to help you. But did that deter me?! I mean, no, of course not. I'm a fool and I wasn't allowed to take off Dorothy's dress so what else was I going to do?!
The trick was to leave Toto tied up so you could enter the house, get the pot of stew, take it back to Toto, untie Toto, and spill the stew all over the barn. Toto finds a bone in the stew, runs off to bury it, and returns with a crowbar. Obviously! That puzzle couldn't have been more obvious or fair! It was like stepping in shit only fourteen times in a row!
Once in Oz, I leave the wreckage of my farmhouse and begin to explore Munchkin Land. The first person I stumble upon is the Mayor. By "stumble upon," I mean I found the location outside the city council, examined the building, found a flag pole, examined the pole, saw the flag needed raising, raised the flag, and he waddled out asking if somebody needed his help. I then typed "Mayor help me" and got the following screen.
Now to get to Oz! It's not as easy as in the movie where Dorothy just runs around looking for Toto instead of sheltering in the cellar. In this game, you have to get into the cellar! So already the game is asking me to do things that weren't in the movie and maybe weren't in the book but I can't remember because the last time I read the entire Oz series was in 4th grade. To get into the cellar, you have to find the key to unlock it. That wasn't too hard because you can find it the way you usually find things in text adventure games: you search and examine every single object in the room. Finding the trapdoor was harder because you had to type "search room" (unless it was "examine room". Basically they're the same thing). But getting into the trapdoor was the real puzzle because the handle had been broken off! And once you're in the farmhouse, it becomes too dangerous to leave so you can't even explore the surrounding farm for items to help you. But did that deter me?! I mean, no, of course not. I'm a fool and I wasn't allowed to take off Dorothy's dress so what else was I going to do?!
The trick was to leave Toto tied up so you could enter the house, get the pot of stew, take it back to Toto, untie Toto, and spill the stew all over the barn. Toto finds a bone in the stew, runs off to bury it, and returns with a crowbar. Obviously! That puzzle couldn't have been more obvious or fair! It was like stepping in shit only fourteen times in a row!
Once in Oz, I leave the wreckage of my farmhouse and begin to explore Munchkin Land. The first person I stumble upon is the Mayor. By "stumble upon," I mean I found the location outside the city council, examined the building, found a flag pole, examined the pole, saw the flag needed raising, raised the flag, and he waddled out asking if somebody needed his help. I then typed "Mayor help me" and got the following screen.
Oh great. A number puzzle. Should I just quit now?
Don't worry! I'm just kidding! This puzzle couldn't have been easier! I say "fairy" to the Mayor and he hands me a diploma. I'm a smart now!
After getting the diploma, I wander off to talk to some other Munchkins who tell me the mayor loves flags and I should tell him "help me." Um, thanks guys but, being a certified smart, I already handled it!
The Good Witch appears and kisses me. Now I'm really upset that I can't remove my dress. I guess the kiss is supposed to protect me from injury so the rest of the game should be a yellow cake walk.
Oh, and the Munchkins told me my house landed on and killed a witch so even though I examined the house after landing and found nothing, I head back now to examine it and guess what? A dead witch with some silver shoes! Hoo boy, this game was written in 1995, six years after Activision shut down Infocom, and yet the author is still acting like hiding objects behind examine and search commands count as puzzles. Jack Lockerby should be embarrassed. Is there a stronger word than "embarrassed" that isn't "fucking embarrassed"? I'm trying to swear less in these stupid reviews.
A few moves later and I've got the scarecrow and the tin-man hanging around with me. It was easy to convince them to come with me. I just examined the Yellow Brick Road and I examined the cottage and I examined the corn and I examined the tree and I examined the fence and I examined the shelf and voila! I solved all of the puzzles. I hope getting the lion to come with me isn't so difficult!
After getting the diploma, I wander off to talk to some other Munchkins who tell me the mayor loves flags and I should tell him "help me." Um, thanks guys but, being a certified smart, I already handled it!
The Good Witch appears and kisses me. Now I'm really upset that I can't remove my dress. I guess the kiss is supposed to protect me from injury so the rest of the game should be a yellow cake walk.
Oh, and the Munchkins told me my house landed on and killed a witch so even though I examined the house after landing and found nothing, I head back now to examine it and guess what? A dead witch with some silver shoes! Hoo boy, this game was written in 1995, six years after Activision shut down Infocom, and yet the author is still acting like hiding objects behind examine and search commands count as puzzles. Jack Lockerby should be embarrassed. Is there a stronger word than "embarrassed" that isn't "fucking embarrassed"? I'm trying to swear less in these stupid reviews.
A few moves later and I've got the scarecrow and the tin-man hanging around with me. It was easy to convince them to come with me. I just examined the Yellow Brick Road and I examined the cottage and I examined the corn and I examined the tree and I examined the fence and I examined the shelf and voila! I solved all of the puzzles. I hope getting the lion to come with me isn't so difficult!
I don't disagree with this game's philosophy of mankind.
Before going to look for the lion, I again remember I'm pretending to be Dorothy from the Blues Traveler video and it's probably time to fuck the scarecrow.
Cock-tease. Or whatever the male version is for a woman. Clit-tease?
The Lion arrives and I punch him across the face. He's a total sub so he stuffs a rubber ball in his mouth, puts on a leather body suit with the groin cut out, and joins our crew.
My team adventures down the Yellow Brick Road, leaping chasms in the road caused by earthquakes, felling trees to cross even larger chasms, and running from deadly creatures (even though I was kissed by the Good Witch and am supposedly safe from harm (I am absolutely not)). We wind up next to a fast flowing river with a broken bridge. It's the first time in the game that I feel stumped for any amount of time. The good news is I knew what to do! The Tin-Man is described as a master craftsman so I keep trying, in various places, to have him build me a boat. It never works. So I figure, maybe there's a boat I missed because I didn't examine everything! So I reloaded a save in Munchkinland and examined every single thing mentioned in every location. No luck. Oh, are you wondering about the bad news since I mentioned good news? Remember that dog shit I told you we'd be stepping in forty times in a row? This was that moment. Because apparently I needed to make a raft and not a boat. The Tin-Man is a literal motherfucker.
I do have some other good news though! I didn't need a hint to solve this problem! I just happened to be standing in the correct spot where the Tin-Man will accept the command to make a raft and I typed, "Scarecrow help me." And he did! He told me to tell the Tin-Man to make a raft! Have you ever been joyfully ecstatic and super fucking angry at the same time?! If you said yes to that then you must play text adventure games or live life as a premature ejaculator. Congratulations!
And just like after cumming too quickly and being super fucking angry with this curse the universe bestowed upon you (unless it was just too much masturbating too quickly) you can't wallow in your anger because now you have to deal with the disappointment of your partner, text adventures keep the fucking hits coming. Because now I couldn't get the Goddamned raft in the river! This time it didn't take me too long to figure out I had to tell the Tin-Man to launch the raft. But it's still annoying when you know the raft needs to go in the river and if this were real life everybody would help get the raft in the river but in a text adventure game everybody just stands around stupidly going, "I don't understand how to do that." Oh well, at least I'm a sexy fucking Dorothy.
After me and my weird fucking cohorts cross the river, we have to cross a field of poppies. The lion runs off to nap and I have to send the Tin-Man to find him and wake him with a potion I received from a mouse whom I saved by having the Tin-Man murder a wildcat that was hungry. Sorry wildcat but I have an adventure to solve and if I have to kill dozens of tiger headed forest monsters, a couple of witches, forty wolves, forty crows, and you, well, you know. Fucking suck it. I'm getting back to Kansas even if I have to murder every last Munchkin.
Next it's on to the Emerald City where the Wizard of Oz hands me a telescope and a useless permit before telling me to fuck off forever. I never see him again. Which makes sense because if the scarecrow had brains all along and the lion had courage all along and the Tin-Man had a heart all along, I was the Wizard of Oz all along. So I shouldn't be upset when, after I kill the witch, I'm the one who has to hand out to my new friends all the trinkets representing their wishes. Fuck, do I even need to kill the witch if I have the diploma, watch, and medal as soon as I meet the lion, the scarecrow, and the wardrobe?
My team adventures down the Yellow Brick Road, leaping chasms in the road caused by earthquakes, felling trees to cross even larger chasms, and running from deadly creatures (even though I was kissed by the Good Witch and am supposedly safe from harm (I am absolutely not)). We wind up next to a fast flowing river with a broken bridge. It's the first time in the game that I feel stumped for any amount of time. The good news is I knew what to do! The Tin-Man is described as a master craftsman so I keep trying, in various places, to have him build me a boat. It never works. So I figure, maybe there's a boat I missed because I didn't examine everything! So I reloaded a save in Munchkinland and examined every single thing mentioned in every location. No luck. Oh, are you wondering about the bad news since I mentioned good news? Remember that dog shit I told you we'd be stepping in forty times in a row? This was that moment. Because apparently I needed to make a raft and not a boat. The Tin-Man is a literal motherfucker.
I do have some other good news though! I didn't need a hint to solve this problem! I just happened to be standing in the correct spot where the Tin-Man will accept the command to make a raft and I typed, "Scarecrow help me." And he did! He told me to tell the Tin-Man to make a raft! Have you ever been joyfully ecstatic and super fucking angry at the same time?! If you said yes to that then you must play text adventure games or live life as a premature ejaculator. Congratulations!
And just like after cumming too quickly and being super fucking angry with this curse the universe bestowed upon you (unless it was just too much masturbating too quickly) you can't wallow in your anger because now you have to deal with the disappointment of your partner, text adventures keep the fucking hits coming. Because now I couldn't get the Goddamned raft in the river! This time it didn't take me too long to figure out I had to tell the Tin-Man to launch the raft. But it's still annoying when you know the raft needs to go in the river and if this were real life everybody would help get the raft in the river but in a text adventure game everybody just stands around stupidly going, "I don't understand how to do that." Oh well, at least I'm a sexy fucking Dorothy.
After me and my weird fucking cohorts cross the river, we have to cross a field of poppies. The lion runs off to nap and I have to send the Tin-Man to find him and wake him with a potion I received from a mouse whom I saved by having the Tin-Man murder a wildcat that was hungry. Sorry wildcat but I have an adventure to solve and if I have to kill dozens of tiger headed forest monsters, a couple of witches, forty wolves, forty crows, and you, well, you know. Fucking suck it. I'm getting back to Kansas even if I have to murder every last Munchkin.
Next it's on to the Emerald City where the Wizard of Oz hands me a telescope and a useless permit before telling me to fuck off forever. I never see him again. Which makes sense because if the scarecrow had brains all along and the lion had courage all along and the Tin-Man had a heart all along, I was the Wizard of Oz all along. So I shouldn't be upset when, after I kill the witch, I'm the one who has to hand out to my new friends all the trinkets representing their wishes. Fuck, do I even need to kill the witch if I have the diploma, watch, and medal as soon as I meet the lion, the scarecrow, and the wardrobe?
No, yeah, I still need to kill the witch. I guess my friends are too dumb to understand the metaphor of the items I'm giving them until the Good Witch explains it to them.
Where was I? Oh yeah, I was failing to cross the desert because of the Wizard's useless permit to enter the desert. So I look through the telescope and see the Wicked Witch sending dozens of wolves to kill me. I ask the Tin-Man to murder them for me and he does so, without question. Then the Witch sends dozens of crows to kill me. I ask the scarecrow to murder them and he does so, without question.
Wait. Somebody tell me why I want to go back to Kansas when I have my own loyal murder squad here in Oz?!
After the slaughter, a bunch of flying monkeys carry us to murder the Wicked Witch. I suspect they knew I was going to kill her so they were nice and polite when delivering us to her castle. I throw my bottled water on her, dissolve her into a brown smudge, and take her Golden Cap of Flying Monkey Command. Now I also have an army at my disposal! Fuck Kansas. Can I just quit this game now and remain in Oz?!
The monkeys fly me back to the Emerald City where the Wizard of Oz is nowhere to be found. Why the fuck is this game even called that then?! He didn't do shit for me! The Good Witch of the South waits to tell me how to raise the confidence of my friends.
The monkeys fly me back to the Emerald City where the Wizard of Oz is nowhere to be found. Why the fuck is this game even called that then?! He didn't do shit for me! The Good Witch of the South waits to tell me how to raise the confidence of my friends.
It's at this point that I realize I'm almost entirely covered in dog shit. Because I don't fucking have a medal for the lion or a watch for the Tin-Man!
So I get to the end of the game missing two items. The good news (yes, here we go again with this shit) is that I almost certainly know where the items are and I even already made a plan to get them (before I knew I needed to because I'm just that awesome). The bad news is that I figured they were buried back on the farm in Kansas so I'd have to start the entire game over. SPLOCH SPLOCH SPLOCH SPLOCH SPLOCH SPLOCH SPLOCH SPLOCH SPLOCH SPLOCH SPLOCH SPLOCH SPLOCH.
The watch and the medal do wind up being buried on the farm in Kansas and it's not too long before I'm back standing in front of the Good Witch with all the junk I need to make my friends happy. I bet the real ending is that once they get what they thought would make them happy, they discover it wasn't what they needed after all. Hell, that might even be the actual plot of the books following this one when the scarecrow becomes mayor of Emerald City and realizes being smart and in power is just a fucking curse. Not as bad as being dumb and in power, amirite, Trump?
And then I simply step into the final huge mound of shit. Because fuck Jack Lockerby. Fuck him so hard his grandfather feels it. The fucking watch doesn't work and I forgot to check that and it needs a new spring and the only spring in this game happens just as you leave Munchkinland with "a spring in your step" so now I have to fucking start all over again because I suck at making various save states when I think I'm doing my final run through! Seriously, you asshole? "A spring in your step"?! Fuck you, motherfucker. You're lucky I'm the kind of dumb stubborn son of a bitch who won't rest until he finishes every stupid fucking text adventure he plays.
Motherfucking fucker fuck.
The watch and the medal do wind up being buried on the farm in Kansas and it's not too long before I'm back standing in front of the Good Witch with all the junk I need to make my friends happy. I bet the real ending is that once they get what they thought would make them happy, they discover it wasn't what they needed after all. Hell, that might even be the actual plot of the books following this one when the scarecrow becomes mayor of Emerald City and realizes being smart and in power is just a fucking curse. Not as bad as being dumb and in power, amirite, Trump?
And then I simply step into the final huge mound of shit. Because fuck Jack Lockerby. Fuck him so hard his grandfather feels it. The fucking watch doesn't work and I forgot to check that and it needs a new spring and the only spring in this game happens just as you leave Munchkinland with "a spring in your step" so now I have to fucking start all over again because I suck at making various save states when I think I'm doing my final run through! Seriously, you asshole? "A spring in your step"?! Fuck you, motherfucker. You're lucky I'm the kind of dumb stubborn son of a bitch who won't rest until he finishes every stupid fucking text adventure he plays.
Motherfucking fucker fuck.
Me realizing I'm going to have to start over again.
Well starting over did let me discover one new thing.
You can't pet the dog in The Wizard of Oz.
So I make it all the way back to the end, give out all the trinkets, and speak to the Good Witch. She tells me how to get home and fuck me if it works.
Okay. Let's see. Knock my shoes together. Say, "Kansas." Seem easy enough but fuck me if I can get it to work!
Finally, covered in more dog shit than I ever would have realized, I stumble upon the exact right phrasing to get me home: "knock heels together kansas." Yeah. Fuck you, Jack Lockerby. Although maybe not. I mean, I did best your stupid game without any hints! Even though it was a complete pain in the ass because you knew people would have to play it at least three times all the way through because of your clever traps. I suppose the first text adventure I wrote, "Trollslayer" (sometimes found under the title "Dwarf Lover." The TADS version is the definitive version but I did program it in Inform as well. That version's Baby Troll doesn't really work though), was designed so nobody would probably beat it on the first playthrough. Although nobody would probably beat it on their second playthrough either since the actual goal was to befriend the Elf and not just murder the troll! How many people succeeded in doing that, I wonder? No, I don't wonder. I know it's zero.
As you can see, I didn't get 100% score and I have no idea why. Perhaps I took a shortcut on my 3rd playthrough and didn't examine something that gave me those 2 percentage points. I bet that 2% was earned by fucking something.
SCORES
Game Title: Derivative.
Puzzles: Were there almost none? My brain is insisting there were nearly none. To me, a puzzle takes a certain amount of imagination to come up with a solution. The solution of all the puzzles in this game were fairly obvious almost immediately. The problem was figuring out how to implement the solutions. There's a cupboard that's too high to open with a chair nearby. Stand on the chair! But getting the chair in the right position was a guessing game. Getting the master craftsman Tin Woodsman to build a raft was as well. Getting the raft in the water. Invoking the shoes to get home. And if the puzzle wasn't completely obvious, you had to resort to violence. Kill the wildcat. Hit the cupboard. Kill the wolves. Kill the crows. Kill the Witch. And then there were the puzzles which weren't puzzles but just items hidden behind the examine or dig commands. I suppose getting the spring for the watch was a puzzle!
Gameplay: The game was fairly linear which helped to make solving the "puzzles" easier but also created hard boundaries where you couldn't return to previous areas. That meant a lot of reloading once you realized you were missing something that had to have been found earlier. This didn't happen a lot and I was able to keep save states in each area to keep from stepping in too much dog shit. Right up until the end, of course. Also, I beat the game without any hints so I have to admit the gameplay was fair enough, although Jack was a bit sadistic in the way he wrote it so you'd almost certainly wind up at the end missing important items.
Graphics: It's called a text adventure because there are no graphics. It's all text. Please try to pay attention!
I know, I know! I shouldn't be mean to readers. It's not like y'all chose the "Graphics" category for reviews in which I mostly review text adventures! I will eventually get to some with graphics, like Gruds in Space or The Coveted Mirror or Masquerade or The Mask of the Sun. I think those are all graphic adventures from the 80s.
Concept: I'm not sure it's appropriate to be murdering witches and their familiars in this day and age when everybody has decided the villains are only villains for spurious and unjust reasons. We've all read Grendel and sung our lungs out to Wicked! I can't wait until somebody writes a Broadway play called Javert: We are the Stars!
Fun Time: I spent a few hours over the course of two days playing this game. The first few hours were fun but the last hour was a total drag. That was the hour where I had to play the entire game all the way through twice in a row because Jack Lockerby is a fucking jerko.
Game Title: Derivative.
Puzzles: Were there almost none? My brain is insisting there were nearly none. To me, a puzzle takes a certain amount of imagination to come up with a solution. The solution of all the puzzles in this game were fairly obvious almost immediately. The problem was figuring out how to implement the solutions. There's a cupboard that's too high to open with a chair nearby. Stand on the chair! But getting the chair in the right position was a guessing game. Getting the master craftsman Tin Woodsman to build a raft was as well. Getting the raft in the water. Invoking the shoes to get home. And if the puzzle wasn't completely obvious, you had to resort to violence. Kill the wildcat. Hit the cupboard. Kill the wolves. Kill the crows. Kill the Witch. And then there were the puzzles which weren't puzzles but just items hidden behind the examine or dig commands. I suppose getting the spring for the watch was a puzzle!
Gameplay: The game was fairly linear which helped to make solving the "puzzles" easier but also created hard boundaries where you couldn't return to previous areas. That meant a lot of reloading once you realized you were missing something that had to have been found earlier. This didn't happen a lot and I was able to keep save states in each area to keep from stepping in too much dog shit. Right up until the end, of course. Also, I beat the game without any hints so I have to admit the gameplay was fair enough, although Jack was a bit sadistic in the way he wrote it so you'd almost certainly wind up at the end missing important items.
Graphics: It's called a text adventure because there are no graphics. It's all text. Please try to pay attention!
I know, I know! I shouldn't be mean to readers. It's not like y'all chose the "Graphics" category for reviews in which I mostly review text adventures! I will eventually get to some with graphics, like Gruds in Space or The Coveted Mirror or Masquerade or The Mask of the Sun. I think those are all graphic adventures from the 80s.
Concept: I'm not sure it's appropriate to be murdering witches and their familiars in this day and age when everybody has decided the villains are only villains for spurious and unjust reasons. We've all read Grendel and sung our lungs out to Wicked! I can't wait until somebody writes a Broadway play called Javert: We are the Stars!
Fun Time: I spent a few hours over the course of two days playing this game. The first few hours were fun but the last hour was a total drag. That was the hour where I had to play the entire game all the way through twice in a row because Jack Lockerby is a fucking jerko.
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