Zork II by Dave Lebling and Marc Blank
Published by Infocom
Release Year: 1981
Version Played: Apple IIe
It might seem weird that I'm doing a review of Zork II before I get around to doing Zork I but I can't really bring myself to play Zork I yet again. I've played it enough. I think I know it backwards and forwards. I know about getting the thief to open the egg and lowering the brass lamp into the well and shutting down the dam so that I can actually type commands in the Echo Room. I know not to get into the inflatable raft with anything sharp or to carry the torch into the mines. It's possible I don't remember some of the solutions but I'm fairly certain they'd come to me as soon as I encountered each puzzle. I'm far less familiar with Zork II even though I played it three to four decades ago. Maybe I'll remember how to do everything in this one too as I encounter each puzzle. But since the only thing I remember is that a wizard hassles you with spells that begin with "F", I figure it'll have a few surprises for me. And if it doesn't, and I grow bored, I'll just delete this post and move on!
Almost the entirety of Zork I takes place in a basement which is why so many of us nerds identified so strongly with it. Zork II continues the trend although it wants to be perceived as somewhat cooler so you begin in a "Barrow." But we all know we're just a little bit deeper in the basement of the white house. I wasn't allowed to keep any of the treasures I looted in the previous game but I did get to keep the brass lantern and the Elvish sword. Maybe a better ending to Zork I is not entering the dark passage after getting all the treasures and instead taking as many as you can carry and getting the fuck out of the Great Underground Empire.
I don't think this game has an official time limit. I think the battery on the lantern acts as an unofficial time/turn limit. So I'll keep it off as much as I can, Grues be damned. I say that but am I really going to take the time to turn the lantern off when I'm in a room with phosphorescent moss when I know I'll just have to turn it on again in a move or two? I know how lazy I am and that part about keeping it off was a huge fucking lie. Also:
Published by Infocom
Release Year: 1981
Version Played: Apple IIe
It might seem weird that I'm doing a review of Zork II before I get around to doing Zork I but I can't really bring myself to play Zork I yet again. I've played it enough. I think I know it backwards and forwards. I know about getting the thief to open the egg and lowering the brass lamp into the well and shutting down the dam so that I can actually type commands in the Echo Room. I know not to get into the inflatable raft with anything sharp or to carry the torch into the mines. It's possible I don't remember some of the solutions but I'm fairly certain they'd come to me as soon as I encountered each puzzle. I'm far less familiar with Zork II even though I played it three to four decades ago. Maybe I'll remember how to do everything in this one too as I encounter each puzzle. But since the only thing I remember is that a wizard hassles you with spells that begin with "F", I figure it'll have a few surprises for me. And if it doesn't, and I grow bored, I'll just delete this post and move on!
Almost the entirety of Zork I takes place in a basement which is why so many of us nerds identified so strongly with it. Zork II continues the trend although it wants to be perceived as somewhat cooler so you begin in a "Barrow." But we all know we're just a little bit deeper in the basement of the white house. I wasn't allowed to keep any of the treasures I looted in the previous game but I did get to keep the brass lantern and the Elvish sword. Maybe a better ending to Zork I is not entering the dark passage after getting all the treasures and instead taking as many as you can carry and getting the fuck out of the Great Underground Empire.
I don't think this game has an official time limit. I think the battery on the lantern acts as an unofficial time/turn limit. So I'll keep it off as much as I can, Grues be damned. I say that but am I really going to take the time to turn the lantern off when I'm in a room with phosphorescent moss when I know I'll just have to turn it on again in a move or two? I know how lazy I am and that part about keeping it off was a huge fucking lie. Also:
The lantern lasts at least 600 moves, minus the few moves where I did remember to turn it off (which wasn't often).
I'm not entirely sure what I'm supposed to be doing in this sequel since the trophy case doesn't exist. I suppose I'll just have to explore until I figure it out. Being that the subtitle is "The Wizard of Frobozz," and seeing as how he's an irritating piece of shit who constantly casts spells at you that begin with "F" like "Fudgepack" and "Fingerbang," my guess is that I have to defeat him somehow. Hopefully that entails stealing his wand and using it against him to cast "Fondle" and "Fellatio" until he's seduced into submission.
One of the first things I encounter down in the sub-basement.
Finding a unicorn living off roses deep down in a dark basement lit only by barely glowing moss might seem unrealistic even for a fantasy game. But remember: I'm not actually in a basement! I'm in the Great Underground Empire, once ruled by Lord Dimwit Flathead himself! The place may have seen better days but it was once glorious and majestic, exactly the type of place a unicorn would live in a beautiful magic garden.
Coming from a unicorn, "uncouth sort of vagabond" is a compliment. It translates to "I can tell you've totally been laid, dude."
So getting the tiny gold key from the unicorn is the first puzzle I've encountered. And, surprising myself, I don't remember how to get it. That's a good sign! But it's a bad sign for the unicorn because I have a history of murdering unicorns thanks to Oblivion. The Non-Certified Spouse was appalled back when I played Oblivion and murdered the last unicorn in the land. Trying to guilt me, she then began to play the song from the movie, The Last Unicorn, which absolutely backfired because pretty soon she was weeping. It was funny and tragic.
A gazebo stands nearby full of a bunch of inventory items to get the adventure started. One of these items is a place mat and I know immediately how I'm going to use that. So my memory still retains a certain amount of spoilers for this game.
Past the garden is the Carousel Room because Marc and Dave and whoever else was responsible for this game back in the mainframe days are gigantic jerks who simply want to waste my time. Eight exits in various directions lead away from this room. But because the room spins, you never know which way you're going to go. So now whenever I think I have an item to deal with some puzzle elsewhere in the Great Underground Sub-basement, I have to waste my time constantly trying exits until I randomly end up in the proper place. I've got a Frobozznian spell for those asshats: "Fuck you."
Randomly wandering around until I can solve more puzzles, I run into the next NPC: a Frobozz Magic Robot! He comes with instructions that tell me to say, "Robot, Do Something!" and he'll do the something! Awesome!
A gazebo stands nearby full of a bunch of inventory items to get the adventure started. One of these items is a place mat and I know immediately how I'm going to use that. So my memory still retains a certain amount of spoilers for this game.
Past the garden is the Carousel Room because Marc and Dave and whoever else was responsible for this game back in the mainframe days are gigantic jerks who simply want to waste my time. Eight exits in various directions lead away from this room. But because the room spins, you never know which way you're going to go. So now whenever I think I have an item to deal with some puzzle elsewhere in the Great Underground Sub-basement, I have to waste my time constantly trying exits until I randomly end up in the proper place. I've got a Frobozznian spell for those asshats: "Fuck you."
Randomly wandering around until I can solve more puzzles, I run into the next NPC: a Frobozz Magic Robot! He comes with instructions that tell me to say, "Robot, Do Something!" and he'll do the something! Awesome!
Bogus.
The robot does help me push some electrified buttons and demolish a cage that traps me in the next room. But who's going to help me with this boner? The unicorn? It thinks I'm a disgusting slut! I heard there's a horny dragon around here somewhere so time to explore some more.
While wandering around, I discover the Bank of Zork and immediately feel like quitting. Isn't the bank one of the hardest puzzles to figure out in Infocom history? Am I remembering that wrong?! I suppose I'll ignore it for now. I think there's a baseball diamond maze around here somewhere. Much easier to solve for a moronic American. I hear you foreigners muttering, "That's redundant," and don't think I didn't think it also as soon as I typed it!
While wandering around, I discover the Bank of Zork and immediately feel like quitting. Isn't the bank one of the hardest puzzles to figure out in Infocom history? Am I remembering that wrong?! I suppose I'll ignore it for now. I think there's a baseball diamond maze around here somewhere. Much easier to solve for a moronic American. I hear you foreigners muttering, "That's redundant," and don't think I didn't think it also as soon as I typed it!
You cannot pet the dog in Zork II.
No wait. You can pet the dog in Zork II!
After exploring all that I can after solving every puzzle I know I can solve, I realize I probably need to do the Bank of Zork. It turns out, it's not that difficult. The problem is you only emerge from the bank with a stack of Zorkmid bills and a portrait of J. Pierpont Flathead which don't open the game up any further. They're just treasures which I don't know what to do with since I don't have a trophy case to stick them in. Some text adventures have this kind of bottleneck which really drags the game out for a bit. It's because you're presented with a handful of puzzles to solve but you can only actually solve one of them before you can start solving the others. The problem is figuring out which one. Here's what I had to work with: getting the key from the unicorn, unlocking a door with a lizard's head (which probably needed the key from the unicorn, so at least I knew the order of those two puzzle dominoes), getting past Cerberus, getting past the dragon, moving a large stone block, and possibly getting past a glacier.
I was stuck for the longest time at this point, maybe a few days (I think the game took about a week, playing a few hours here and there but thinking about it often). The problem was that as a kid, I had read the Infocom What-Do-I-Do-Now books (ugh. What a tortured Choose Your Own Adventure synonym!) and remembered the dragon puzzle from that book.
I was stuck for the longest time at this point, maybe a few days (I think the game took about a week, playing a few hours here and there but thinking about it often). The problem was that as a kid, I had read the Infocom What-Do-I-Do-Now books (ugh. What a tortured Choose Your Own Adventure synonym!) and remembered the dragon puzzle from that book.
I don't remember which one of these it was in.
In the book, you lure the dragon to the ice wall, it sees another dragon reflected in the ice, blasts the ice with its fire breath, and drowns when the ice melts. For some reason, I remembered, incorrectly, that that solution wasn't the same as the solution in Zork II. So I didn't try it for the longest time. Instead giving the dragon gifts and hoping he'd eventually get enough treasure to let me by. He never did. So finally, I flashed the boner left over from the cocktease robot and was all, "Dragon, follow me."
"Curiosity and anger." The reaction from every woman I've ever dated.
Luring the dragon to the ice wall, he accidentally kills himself. I hardly even consider the waste of so many years of wisdom and knowledge simply because I wanted to get into the dragon's lair and steal his shit for a few points. Who's the real monster?
With the glacier melted and the dragon no longer blocking one of the directions I couldn't go, the entire game just opened up and it was practically no time at all that I had 400 points in 600 moves (as seen in the image somewhere previous). The dragon was keeping a princess locked in his lair so I just followed her to the gazebo where the unicorn was all, "OMG! A virgin! Ride me, baby!" That gave me the key which got me past the locked door with the lizard head on it which led into the Wizard of Frobozz's lair. It was there that I performed a sacred ritual using the red, blue, and clear spheres I had found (one of them in the aquarium in the wizard's lair) and summoned a demon.
With the glacier melted and the dragon no longer blocking one of the directions I couldn't go, the entire game just opened up and it was practically no time at all that I had 400 points in 600 moves (as seen in the image somewhere previous). The dragon was keeping a princess locked in his lair so I just followed her to the gazebo where the unicorn was all, "OMG! A virgin! Ride me, baby!" That gave me the key which got me past the locked door with the lizard head on it which led into the Wizard of Frobozz's lair. It was there that I performed a sacred ritual using the red, blue, and clear spheres I had found (one of them in the aquarium in the wizard's lair) and summoned a demon.
Only one thing I can think to wish for!
So he's saying it's a possibility?!
So I load him up with treasure, get the Grue Repellent to use as lube, and ask him again.
Dammit!
I just realized I never asked the princess if she'd fuck me. I guess I knew the unicorn would call her an uncouth sort of vagabond and not give me the key if we did it so I didn't try. Also she might have killed me at the suggestion.
The first time I got this far into the game, I simply asked the demon to kill the wizard and he did. This gave me the wand which let me lift the stone to find the collar to get by the dog to find the end. But this time, I tried a different tack.
The first time I got this far into the game, I simply asked the demon to kill the wizard and he did. This gave me the wand which let me lift the stone to find the collar to get by the dog to find the end. But this time, I tried a different tack.
Ooh! I wonder if I can follow the wizard around and torment him now!
I never do find the wizard again. Killing the wizard or letting him live doesn't change the ending in any way. That's a shame. I wish you'd gain an extra point or two for sparing the wizard.
The adventure ends on the landing of a long staircase leading down in the sub-sub-basement of the white house. That will be explored in Zork III which I don't remember at all. But I look forward to easily beating the snot out of it!
SCORES
Game Title: Derivative! But I guess that makes sense because Zork I, Zork II, and Zork III were all just various parts of the original mainframe game. I think. If you want the actual history about these games, go read the Digital Antiquarian! The subtitle was spot on though because there was a Wizard and I guess he was from Frobozz which, I suppose, means he's a sorcerer whose power is limited to spells that begin with "F". Pretty lame when you get right down to it. Luckily he never tried to Fist me.
Puzzles: Infocom was known for its logical puzzles which always made sense and were often, although not always, hinted at in some way or another. I'm an American so I won't complain about the maze that was meant to be a simulation of running the bases of a baseball field. So easy to figure out! The simplest maze ever! I have a feeling getting the dragon to kill himself and the bank puzzle were the hardest puzzles in the game. Most of the other puzzles basically solved themselves when you finally found the combination of the correct item and where to use it. Perhaps realizing the moldable clay was plastique may have been a bit of an intuitive leap as well although if you play as an arsonist and try to burn everything you come across, you'll learn pretty quickly that it's an explosive. It's hard to say how many of the puzzles in this game my subconscious helped me to solve because I certainly didn't remember a lot of them. Like getting the clear sphere out of the aquarium or getting the red sphere out of the trapped room or getting rid of the pool of tears. Most of those were pretty simple though because they basically relied on items local to the area of the puzzle (or the sword which you should always have on you because this is Zork!).
Gameplay: It could have used more kissing.
Graphics: Not a single graphic. Even the cover art was basically just the cover art for the first Zork. Infocom won't have graphics until Zork Zero comes along. And it won't have terrible movie files Return to Zork!
Concept: Same old Zork concept: find all the treasures and put them somewhere. In the first one, you found them and shoved them in a trophy cabinet. In this one, you find them and shove them up a demon's ass. But at least in this one, you're using the treasures so it doesn't feel like you abandoned them at the end of the adventure. It's too bad the only real choice in this game that matters is to have the demon kill the wizard or let the wizard live as you simply take his wand. I wish it made some kind of difference to the end game. It was nice to have an actual antagonist throughout the game although I don't know why he was my antagonist. Was this just some kind of turf war? What was he protecting? Was he like one of the old white men in a Scooby Doo cartoon simply trying to scare me off?
Fun Time: Guess who didn't keep track of his time playing again? This guy with two thumbs! I think I put in a little time every day for about a week. Some sessions could go for an hour or more as I set to work mapping the entire place. Sometimes I'd pop in for just a few minutes as I tried a few things which didn't work and quit to let the puzzles percolate in my stupid head. I'd say every minute playing the game was actually pretty fun. I really enjoyed exploring this one. The map seemed to open up just enough every time I felt maybe I was stuck, allowing me to slowly make progress. I only felt really stuck the one time with the dragon which was stupid because I knew the answer all along and just had convinced myself that it wasn't the actual answer. It's probably a good thing that I'd read those Zork books though because I'm not sure I would have gotten the dragon to follow me, especially because the dragon responds to you in a weird way, making it seem like maybe he won't follow you. And if you do anything else after asking him to follow you that isn't moving in a compass direction, he won't follow you.
The Map!
The adventure ends on the landing of a long staircase leading down in the sub-sub-basement of the white house. That will be explored in Zork III which I don't remember at all. But I look forward to easily beating the snot out of it!
SCORES
Game Title: Derivative! But I guess that makes sense because Zork I, Zork II, and Zork III were all just various parts of the original mainframe game. I think. If you want the actual history about these games, go read the Digital Antiquarian! The subtitle was spot on though because there was a Wizard and I guess he was from Frobozz which, I suppose, means he's a sorcerer whose power is limited to spells that begin with "F". Pretty lame when you get right down to it. Luckily he never tried to Fist me.
Puzzles: Infocom was known for its logical puzzles which always made sense and were often, although not always, hinted at in some way or another. I'm an American so I won't complain about the maze that was meant to be a simulation of running the bases of a baseball field. So easy to figure out! The simplest maze ever! I have a feeling getting the dragon to kill himself and the bank puzzle were the hardest puzzles in the game. Most of the other puzzles basically solved themselves when you finally found the combination of the correct item and where to use it. Perhaps realizing the moldable clay was plastique may have been a bit of an intuitive leap as well although if you play as an arsonist and try to burn everything you come across, you'll learn pretty quickly that it's an explosive. It's hard to say how many of the puzzles in this game my subconscious helped me to solve because I certainly didn't remember a lot of them. Like getting the clear sphere out of the aquarium or getting the red sphere out of the trapped room or getting rid of the pool of tears. Most of those were pretty simple though because they basically relied on items local to the area of the puzzle (or the sword which you should always have on you because this is Zork!).
Gameplay: It could have used more kissing.
Graphics: Not a single graphic. Even the cover art was basically just the cover art for the first Zork. Infocom won't have graphics until Zork Zero comes along. And it won't have terrible movie files Return to Zork!
Concept: Same old Zork concept: find all the treasures and put them somewhere. In the first one, you found them and shoved them in a trophy cabinet. In this one, you find them and shove them up a demon's ass. But at least in this one, you're using the treasures so it doesn't feel like you abandoned them at the end of the adventure. It's too bad the only real choice in this game that matters is to have the demon kill the wizard or let the wizard live as you simply take his wand. I wish it made some kind of difference to the end game. It was nice to have an actual antagonist throughout the game although I don't know why he was my antagonist. Was this just some kind of turf war? What was he protecting? Was he like one of the old white men in a Scooby Doo cartoon simply trying to scare me off?
Fun Time: Guess who didn't keep track of his time playing again? This guy with two thumbs! I think I put in a little time every day for about a week. Some sessions could go for an hour or more as I set to work mapping the entire place. Sometimes I'd pop in for just a few minutes as I tried a few things which didn't work and quit to let the puzzles percolate in my stupid head. I'd say every minute playing the game was actually pretty fun. I really enjoyed exploring this one. The map seemed to open up just enough every time I felt maybe I was stuck, allowing me to slowly make progress. I only felt really stuck the one time with the dragon which was stupid because I knew the answer all along and just had convinced myself that it wasn't the actual answer. It's probably a good thing that I'd read those Zork books though because I'm not sure I would have gotten the dragon to follow me, especially because the dragon responds to you in a weird way, making it seem like maybe he won't follow you. And if you do anything else after asking him to follow you that isn't moving in a compass direction, he won't follow you.
The Map!
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