Eclipse
By Laurence Creighton
Published by Zenobi Software
Release Year: 1992
Version Played: ZX Spectrum
Eclipse is yet another text adventure game for the Spectrum by my nemesis, Laurence Creighton. After Meltdown! almost certainly began the timer on the embolism that will eventually burst in my brain and end my participation in existence, you'd think I'd be smart enough to stay away from another game by this jerk. You'd think after ending my review of Meltdown! by saying, "This was the worst Sunday of my life," I'd know better than to attempt another one of his sadistic virtual escape rooms. But that Sunday was way back in July! I no longer have any emotional or logical attachment to the me from way back then! That idiot was just too stupid to solve one of Laurence Creighton's terrible games! But this is me four months later! I'm so much wiser than that masturbating monkey that failed to defeat Meltdown! I can do this!
In 1991, Eclipse could be purchased for £1.99 by some soon to be frustrated and disappointed young British lad or lass. Although how upset could a kid be when a game only cost two pounds? Even if every text adventure game for the ZX Spectrum was shitty and unfair (which they are!), I'd still probably fork over another two pounds if one came along with an exciting name and some bright colors printed on the folded up sheet of paper acting as a manual and stuff into the stapled shut sandwich bag it was being sold in! I'd be all, "I can go a few days without any Smarties or Toffee Pudges or bags of bird seed from the smelly old lady on the steps of a fancy public building!" Then I'd slap down my cash, spend the time walking home imagining how much fun the game would be, stick it in the cassette player hooked up to my ZX Spectrum, go watch whatever the British equivalent of G.I. Joe was while it loaded, and then hate myself for the next few days for having wasted my money on another text adventure that broke me because I missed a critical item when I "looked behind" and "examined" and "looked in" and "looked at" and "searched" the wardrobe but I forgot to "look under" it (Spoiler warning from future me: this is called foreshadowing!). Fuck you, Laurence Creighton! Shove all the fucking Clangers up your ass, you fucking jerk!
Anyway, let's get started! This should be fun!
By Laurence Creighton
Published by Zenobi Software
Release Year: 1992
Version Played: ZX Spectrum
Eclipse is yet another text adventure game for the Spectrum by my nemesis, Laurence Creighton. After Meltdown! almost certainly began the timer on the embolism that will eventually burst in my brain and end my participation in existence, you'd think I'd be smart enough to stay away from another game by this jerk. You'd think after ending my review of Meltdown! by saying, "This was the worst Sunday of my life," I'd know better than to attempt another one of his sadistic virtual escape rooms. But that Sunday was way back in July! I no longer have any emotional or logical attachment to the me from way back then! That idiot was just too stupid to solve one of Laurence Creighton's terrible games! But this is me four months later! I'm so much wiser than that masturbating monkey that failed to defeat Meltdown! I can do this!
In 1991, Eclipse could be purchased for £1.99 by some soon to be frustrated and disappointed young British lad or lass. Although how upset could a kid be when a game only cost two pounds? Even if every text adventure game for the ZX Spectrum was shitty and unfair (which they are!), I'd still probably fork over another two pounds if one came along with an exciting name and some bright colors printed on the folded up sheet of paper acting as a manual and stuff into the stapled shut sandwich bag it was being sold in! I'd be all, "I can go a few days without any Smarties or Toffee Pudges or bags of bird seed from the smelly old lady on the steps of a fancy public building!" Then I'd slap down my cash, spend the time walking home imagining how much fun the game would be, stick it in the cassette player hooked up to my ZX Spectrum, go watch whatever the British equivalent of G.I. Joe was while it loaded, and then hate myself for the next few days for having wasted my money on another text adventure that broke me because I missed a critical item when I "looked behind" and "examined" and "looked in" and "looked at" and "searched" the wardrobe but I forgot to "look under" it (Spoiler warning from future me: this is called foreshadowing!). Fuck you, Laurence Creighton! Shove all the fucking Clangers up your ass, you fucking jerk!
Anyway, let's get started! This should be fun!
This introduction leaves me with a lot to unpack.
I have a few problems with the premise of Creighton's game (but then, don't I always? Critiquing somebody else's ideas makes me seem intelligent and not at all petty and unlikable!). Sure, it probably would sound super exciting if I were an eleven year old boy who had yet to learn to hold lifelong grudges against creators who have betrayed my trust one single time. "An adventure in thpace!" my naive and innocent brain would have forced out of my cherubic and virginal face. "Thith ith going to be tho exthiting that thomething weird ith happening in my panth!" But as an adult who has grown into an Actually Nerd who has spent a non-zero amount of time arguing about flavor text at Magic the Gathering tournaments, I have a few questions for Mr. Creighton and his premise.
I'm assuming (which maybe I've heard you shouldn't do but here we are) the alien race chose Earth because it's the ideal biome for their anatomical needs. So, Mr. Creighton, why then would they force it into an ice age? Couldn't they have used their fancy pants space faring technology to find an ice planet to live on if that's what they needed? Why change the climate so drastically that it will kill of the last great defenders of Earth? Won't it also drive the aliens to the brink of extinction as well? Or did the aliens simply remember to bring their space cardigans?
And what about this whole Britain being the aliens' last remaining obstacle bit? I suppose the solar screen could just be changing the weather enough so that Britain becomes covered in ice and the aliens have all decided to live in Florida. I suppose, being science fiction, I can continue to provide answers to my own questions that all make enough sense to justify Mr. Creighton's lazy premise so maybe I should just stop doing that. I don't need to defend him simply because I'm trying to show the audience that I'm not so stupid that I can't play Devil's Advocate against myself as well as against Laurence Creighton.
Why can't Devil's Advocate types just all get stuck in some kind of infinite loop where they constantly question the reason they just thought up to question the person who stopped listening to them fifteen seconds after they began talking?
Um, anyway, Britain as the last obstacle to the alien's plot of world domination? That seems a bit preposterous, especially when Britain doesn't even have the GDP to maintain a space program (according to the premise!). And even if they did have the money, nobody in Britain knows how to build or fly a spaceship (Again! According to Laurence's premise! I can name tons of British astronauts! Like Tim Peake! And the other ones! Some probably named Laurence because talk about a nerdy name! I bet Laurence Creighton has seen the bottom of more than one toilet! (Bullying is bad kids! Don't bully! Be best!)).
But let's say Britain did have at least one person who was smart enough to build a spaceship and fly it into space to destroy the solar screen. How will that defeat the aliens? At this point, I think Laurence convinced himself that the aliens needed the Earth to be nice and chilly to inhabit it. But that gets back to my argument about choosing Earth in the first place!
And, if I'm going to be horribly critical about the premise (which I am!), how the fuck did the aliens take out the USA and the USSR but they couldn't defeat Britain? Is it because the Queen is actually a David Icke lizard creature who has access to interdimensional weaponry? And if that's the case, can't the Queen loan the protagonist a ship to destroy the solar screen?
But my biggest worry about this premise is that I'm not actually going to spend much time in space. I'm going to spend most of the game getting the British Aeronautics and Space Administration up and running by organizing pledge drives and hiring space mechanics to build me a ship. Most text adventures from this era advertised an exciting premise to their game when, in actuality, it was just a scavenger hunt in a fairly mundane setting. Or worse.
"DRAGON BATTLE! A new game from Zenobi Software in which you are a dragon slayer battling dragons to save the world! But first you need to earn enough money for a sword and a suit of armor. This game was previously marketed as Lemonade Stand."
"SUPERHERO SHOWDOWN! Battle the evil villain Arch-Nemesis Nemi-arch for the fate of the world in this exciting game where you are the hero! But what kind of superhero will you be?! Anticipate the moment you become a hero as you go about your normal life waiting for some crazy cosmic accident to strike you down and give you super powers! This game was previously marketed as Paperboy."
"SUPER SPY! Defeat the mad scientist by using crazy gadgets as you explore the entire world to find his secret lair to disable his megabomb! This game was previously marketed as Mastermind."
I'm assuming (which maybe I've heard you shouldn't do but here we are) the alien race chose Earth because it's the ideal biome for their anatomical needs. So, Mr. Creighton, why then would they force it into an ice age? Couldn't they have used their fancy pants space faring technology to find an ice planet to live on if that's what they needed? Why change the climate so drastically that it will kill of the last great defenders of Earth? Won't it also drive the aliens to the brink of extinction as well? Or did the aliens simply remember to bring their space cardigans?
And what about this whole Britain being the aliens' last remaining obstacle bit? I suppose the solar screen could just be changing the weather enough so that Britain becomes covered in ice and the aliens have all decided to live in Florida. I suppose, being science fiction, I can continue to provide answers to my own questions that all make enough sense to justify Mr. Creighton's lazy premise so maybe I should just stop doing that. I don't need to defend him simply because I'm trying to show the audience that I'm not so stupid that I can't play Devil's Advocate against myself as well as against Laurence Creighton.
Why can't Devil's Advocate types just all get stuck in some kind of infinite loop where they constantly question the reason they just thought up to question the person who stopped listening to them fifteen seconds after they began talking?
Um, anyway, Britain as the last obstacle to the alien's plot of world domination? That seems a bit preposterous, especially when Britain doesn't even have the GDP to maintain a space program (according to the premise!). And even if they did have the money, nobody in Britain knows how to build or fly a spaceship (Again! According to Laurence's premise! I can name tons of British astronauts! Like Tim Peake! And the other ones! Some probably named Laurence because talk about a nerdy name! I bet Laurence Creighton has seen the bottom of more than one toilet! (Bullying is bad kids! Don't bully! Be best!)).
But let's say Britain did have at least one person who was smart enough to build a spaceship and fly it into space to destroy the solar screen. How will that defeat the aliens? At this point, I think Laurence convinced himself that the aliens needed the Earth to be nice and chilly to inhabit it. But that gets back to my argument about choosing Earth in the first place!
And, if I'm going to be horribly critical about the premise (which I am!), how the fuck did the aliens take out the USA and the USSR but they couldn't defeat Britain? Is it because the Queen is actually a David Icke lizard creature who has access to interdimensional weaponry? And if that's the case, can't the Queen loan the protagonist a ship to destroy the solar screen?
But my biggest worry about this premise is that I'm not actually going to spend much time in space. I'm going to spend most of the game getting the British Aeronautics and Space Administration up and running by organizing pledge drives and hiring space mechanics to build me a ship. Most text adventures from this era advertised an exciting premise to their game when, in actuality, it was just a scavenger hunt in a fairly mundane setting. Or worse.
"DRAGON BATTLE! A new game from Zenobi Software in which you are a dragon slayer battling dragons to save the world! But first you need to earn enough money for a sword and a suit of armor. This game was previously marketed as Lemonade Stand."
"SUPERHERO SHOWDOWN! Battle the evil villain Arch-Nemesis Nemi-arch for the fate of the world in this exciting game where you are the hero! But what kind of superhero will you be?! Anticipate the moment you become a hero as you go about your normal life waiting for some crazy cosmic accident to strike you down and give you super powers! This game was previously marketed as Paperboy."
"SUPER SPY! Defeat the mad scientist by using crazy gadgets as you explore the entire world to find his secret lair to disable his megabomb! This game was previously marketed as Mastermind."
In other words, a scavenger hunt!
The game begins in the foyer of the newly re-opened British Centre for the Exploration of Space (or BCES. What a lousy acronym. No wonder it was shut down). Blocking my way inside is a doorman. Because even if the world is on the verge of collapse, you can't just throw away all the regular staples of a polite society! Somebody has to maintain order and man the doors!
The doorman does his job as well as any doorman. He simply assumes I'm allowed into the building, gives me an ID pass and a remote with a shitty battery, and fucks off to tea. I'm in! And all I had to do was offend every doorman by saying a shitty doorman does his job as well as every doorman ever! The first puzzle has been solved by simply hitting any random key! Fuck you, Laurence Creighton! I'm defeating your shit this time! If I don't get beat up by an angry doorman first!
It's at this point in the game where a twelve year old playing it is almost certainly not thinking, "Who is the protagonist that I'm playing? Why was I chosen to go into space when I know nothing about space travel or destroying solar screens? As in Meltdown!, why wasn't I given all of the resources needed for my mission since my mission is to save the world?" I bet I was chosen because of my obsessive need to "search" and "examine" every single place, item, and person that I come into contact with (although sometimes I can get a bit distracted and forget to search one time and then it's "Bye bye, world! Hello cardigan wearing alien overlords!").
Later in the game, that same twelve year old also won't think, "Why won't the security guard let me past him so I can get to the rocket to save the world? Doesn't he not want to die? And why won't that gardener just give me the batteries I need for the torch so I can find stuff in the dark cinema? And why won't the pharmacist just give me the pills I'm going to need to reduce the vertigo from lift off? And couldn't somebody have inspected my space suit to make sure the helmet wasn't cracked so that I wouldn't have to learn the cryptic voice code that would get me into the laboratory so i could glue the crack in the helmet? And didn't somebody think to test the space laser that all of humanity is relying on? And why the fuck is that asshole trying to eat the last cheese sandwich on Earth before I can eat it for the sustenance I'm going to need on my voyage into space? Does he want to die too?! And while we're speaking of assholes, why the fuck is the lunch lady so insistent that I pay with a pound coin instead of a pound note? Does she not respect all images of Queen Elizabeth while also secretly wanting to die in a new ice age?! Can't anybody just help me the fuck out please?! I'M TRYING TO SAVE THE GODDAMNED WORLD, YOU STUPID FUCKING CUNTS!"
Sorry! I'm sure some twelve year olds thought those things. But most of them were probably thinking, "I thought this stupid ZX Spectrum cassette was going to have Strip Poker on it!"
The doorman does his job as well as any doorman. He simply assumes I'm allowed into the building, gives me an ID pass and a remote with a shitty battery, and fucks off to tea. I'm in! And all I had to do was offend every doorman by saying a shitty doorman does his job as well as every doorman ever! The first puzzle has been solved by simply hitting any random key! Fuck you, Laurence Creighton! I'm defeating your shit this time! If I don't get beat up by an angry doorman first!
It's at this point in the game where a twelve year old playing it is almost certainly not thinking, "Who is the protagonist that I'm playing? Why was I chosen to go into space when I know nothing about space travel or destroying solar screens? As in Meltdown!, why wasn't I given all of the resources needed for my mission since my mission is to save the world?" I bet I was chosen because of my obsessive need to "search" and "examine" every single place, item, and person that I come into contact with (although sometimes I can get a bit distracted and forget to search one time and then it's "Bye bye, world! Hello cardigan wearing alien overlords!").
Later in the game, that same twelve year old also won't think, "Why won't the security guard let me past him so I can get to the rocket to save the world? Doesn't he not want to die? And why won't that gardener just give me the batteries I need for the torch so I can find stuff in the dark cinema? And why won't the pharmacist just give me the pills I'm going to need to reduce the vertigo from lift off? And couldn't somebody have inspected my space suit to make sure the helmet wasn't cracked so that I wouldn't have to learn the cryptic voice code that would get me into the laboratory so i could glue the crack in the helmet? And didn't somebody think to test the space laser that all of humanity is relying on? And why the fuck is that asshole trying to eat the last cheese sandwich on Earth before I can eat it for the sustenance I'm going to need on my voyage into space? Does he want to die too?! And while we're speaking of assholes, why the fuck is the lunch lady so insistent that I pay with a pound coin instead of a pound note? Does she not respect all images of Queen Elizabeth while also secretly wanting to die in a new ice age?! Can't anybody just help me the fuck out please?! I'M TRYING TO SAVE THE GODDAMNED WORLD, YOU STUPID FUCKING CUNTS!"
Sorry! I'm sure some twelve year olds thought those things. But most of them were probably thinking, "I thought this stupid ZX Spectrum cassette was going to have Strip Poker on it!"
The world is going to end so that you can satiate your Goddamned lust for cheese sandwiches!
Certainly creating characters with an inability to help the person saving the world is a critical flaw in the premise of this game. But even worse, I have to learn all about being an astronaut by reading a magazine in the BCES library. Luckily there are only five steps, so it's not as difficult as everybody told me it would be when I was twelve and pretty insistent that I wanted to be an astronaut. It wasn't too hard to destroy my dreams and dissuade me from trying though. All it took was some jerk-faced adult mentioning that the best step on that career path was to join the Air Force. Ugh. Fuck that shit! I'd rather mop floors!
And there you have it! Now you too can fly a spaceship!
Don't think that all you have to accomplish are these five things before you can fly into space and destroy the solar screen! Pshaw! It's like you've never played a text adventure before! I mean, sure, the pissing part is pretty easily accomplished. We're all 1/5 astronaut every half hour! Is that too often to pee? And should it always smell so strong?
Anyway, we also all eat! That's 2/5 of the way there! And being that it's just past Thanksgiving dinner as I type this, I could fly about five spaceships right now! I'm so full of mashed potatoes and mac and chees right now!
Heck, if you go down to a Halloween costume store to pick up a spacesuit, you're now 3/5 of the way to being able to operate a spaceship. And who isn't constantly aware of the possibility of vertigo?! Why would any adult have tried to dissuade me from being an astronaut?! This shit is fucking easy!
Anyway, we also all eat! That's 2/5 of the way there! And being that it's just past Thanksgiving dinner as I type this, I could fly about five spaceships right now! I'm so full of mashed potatoes and mac and chees right now!
Heck, if you go down to a Halloween costume store to pick up a spacesuit, you're now 3/5 of the way to being able to operate a spaceship. And who isn't constantly aware of the possibility of vertigo?! Why would any adult have tried to dissuade me from being an astronaut?! This shit is fucking easy!
Never mind. Flying a spaceship sounds like more trouble than it's worth.
Getting your hands on that final cheese sandwich in Britain before the fat-ass computer chess nerd gets his disgusting mitts on it is the hardest part of the game. I tried everything to stop him: swirlies, wedgies, purple nurples. Nothing worked! Time and time again, he'd easily elbow me out of the queue and take the sandwich from me. It started me thinking, "Maybe this guy should be Earth's big hero!" But then I also remembered by looking at his blob-like chess playing figure that he totally weighed more than 70 Kg! More like 85 or 90, I bet! Ha ha! Fatty!
On the flip side, I only weighed 75 Kg! So svelte and lean and sexy! But not quite emaciated enough for the rigors of space travel.
How do you lose 5 Kg quickly, you're probably asking? You find a feather duster, dust the dirty table in the game room where the obese cheese eater ruins the chances for survival of all life in Great Britain, discover the key to the gym's sauna, and then go sit in it for a bit. Easy peasy! After that, you're practically in space saving the world!
Except first you have to navigate the always present text adventure maze. Some mazes are more difficult than others. In this game, I found the two objects hidden in the maze in three moves. Shove that up your expatriate ass, Laurence Creighton!
That insult was for all the Laurence Creighton fans out there that know he was born in Great Britain but wound up living in South Africa.
Eventually, I made it into space and saved the world. Here's the proof:
On the flip side, I only weighed 75 Kg! So svelte and lean and sexy! But not quite emaciated enough for the rigors of space travel.
How do you lose 5 Kg quickly, you're probably asking? You find a feather duster, dust the dirty table in the game room where the obese cheese eater ruins the chances for survival of all life in Great Britain, discover the key to the gym's sauna, and then go sit in it for a bit. Easy peasy! After that, you're practically in space saving the world!
Except first you have to navigate the always present text adventure maze. Some mazes are more difficult than others. In this game, I found the two objects hidden in the maze in three moves. Shove that up your expatriate ass, Laurence Creighton!
That insult was for all the Laurence Creighton fans out there that know he was born in Great Britain but wound up living in South Africa.
Eventually, I made it into space and saved the world. Here's the proof:
Ha ha! What a droll ending, Mr. Creighton. I applaud you!
Grade: B-. Yes, I beat the game. But I didn't do it without resorting to one hint (two if you include the in-game hint that I stumbled on by typing "help" in a certain location. It wasn't a hint I necessarily needed so it doesn't actually count). It's true that my main rule for ZX Spectrum games is to "examine" and "search" everything constantly. But eventually I grow lax in my disciplined approach because it's less exciting to type those commands every few seconds while getting no response except "You find nothing" than it is to explore a new room where you might encounter a hungry nerd barring your way to world saving fame. I was pretty proud of myself when I discovered the button in the gym by typing "examine gym" and then, later, when I realized I still needed a weight and there was only one fucking place it could be, I found it by typing "search gym." You can bet I did a little jig on Laurence Creighton's grave over that accomplishment (if he isn't dead, he should be. His games are hackneyed crap that rest not on real puzzles but on the player finding the items hidden behind search and examine commands). But eventually, not searching in one specific place was my downfall. Of course I should have searched in the half-full cinema of people who decided their last hours on Earth should be watching War of the Worlds instead of helping me save the world. But once I got the torch working and the coin immediately showed up in the room description, I was so overwhelmed by thoughts of sticking it to that fucking cheese eater that I forgot to also search to find the disc I needed to get the spaceship's computer ready for lift-off. Duh! Hats off to you, Laurence Creighton! You bested me once again!
For those people still wondering about how much time I got to adventure in space: about five moves. You launch, realize nobody fixed the laser, fix it, aim it, and fire it. What a hero! Of course if you didn't play the scavenger hunt part of the game well, you won't have the wire needed to fix the laser. If you don't have the wire, you have to sit through dozens of turns until you die of space gas. But what kind of an idiot would wind up in that critical situation? A moron, that's what kind of idiot!
So, in the end, some really picky people might still think of me as a huge failure and a colossal disappointment. But you try beating a Laurence Creighton game without stumbling at least once, Mom and Dad! Fuck you both! I was glad I didn't eat Thanksgiving Dinner with you! I enjoyed it with people I actually care about! I bet Laurence Creighton's parents encouraged him! I bet they were all, "You write really good text adventure games, Laurie. Don't let anybody tell you that your reliance on hunting for items is any worse than a reliance on logical puzzles! Anybody can spend hours thinking up fun, outside-the-box solutions to puzzles to make a rational game that gives a player that 'A-ha!' feeling of finally cracking a tough problem. But you really shine at hiding a needed item behind the search command and then obfuscating that by giving the player something they've desperately been looking for right before they should search! You are my blessing, Laurence. After we had you, your father and I both decided to only fuck using birth control because how could our lives have gotten any better? You're the brightest star in this infinite universe, my sweet, sweet boy. Now go wash that shit out of your hair and please remember to be more careful when using the loo at school. Maybe 'search' and 'examine' the location more carefully to ensure those bullies aren't lurking about, wot?"
For those people still wondering about how much time I got to adventure in space: about five moves. You launch, realize nobody fixed the laser, fix it, aim it, and fire it. What a hero! Of course if you didn't play the scavenger hunt part of the game well, you won't have the wire needed to fix the laser. If you don't have the wire, you have to sit through dozens of turns until you die of space gas. But what kind of an idiot would wind up in that critical situation? A moron, that's what kind of idiot!
So, in the end, some really picky people might still think of me as a huge failure and a colossal disappointment. But you try beating a Laurence Creighton game without stumbling at least once, Mom and Dad! Fuck you both! I was glad I didn't eat Thanksgiving Dinner with you! I enjoyed it with people I actually care about! I bet Laurence Creighton's parents encouraged him! I bet they were all, "You write really good text adventure games, Laurie. Don't let anybody tell you that your reliance on hunting for items is any worse than a reliance on logical puzzles! Anybody can spend hours thinking up fun, outside-the-box solutions to puzzles to make a rational game that gives a player that 'A-ha!' feeling of finally cracking a tough problem. But you really shine at hiding a needed item behind the search command and then obfuscating that by giving the player something they've desperately been looking for right before they should search! You are my blessing, Laurence. After we had you, your father and I both decided to only fuck using birth control because how could our lives have gotten any better? You're the brightest star in this infinite universe, my sweet, sweet boy. Now go wash that shit out of your hair and please remember to be more careful when using the loo at school. Maybe 'search' and 'examine' the location more carefully to ensure those bullies aren't lurking about, wot?"
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