The Three Musketeers

The Three Musketeers
Published by Computer Novels
Release Year: 1986
Version Played: Commodore 64

The Three Musketeers was first published in 1844 but not as a computer game. People had to be bored with the regular book for at least another 150 years before they could be bored by this version. I couldn't find any of the documentation which may or may not have come with the game. I can only hope that it came with something because as it stands, the story is nearly incomprehensible. Perhaps you really, really, really need to be familiar with the book. But I was hoping that a game from a company called Computer Novels would actually feel somewhat like a novel. Or at least tell a comprehensible story. Because who wants to read a whole book before enjoying a lousy computer game?

The game is in the Choose Your Own Adventure style which means it probably isn't technically a text adventure. At least you don't need a walkthrough to beat it. Especially with today's emulators where you can quick save before every decision and then play out each possibility. Some of the decisions are timed although it hardly affects gameplay at all. Many of the choices end in either success or death, so you don't have to worry about a wrong choice haunting you later on in the game. One particular ending came about because I told a carriage driver he would get extra money if he got me to my destination quickly. We hadn't even left yet when he realized I had no money and killed me. What a jerk!

Perhaps whoever decided on this project thought that a game with the Three Musketeers would be packed full of action and excitement, even if it was just words. But that person was wrong! This game is so dull! You spend the first chapter recruiting the Three Musketeers for a mission to deliver a letter. You never know why you need to deliver this letter. You never know why the Cardinal is SO MEAN! But you do it anyway and you make it sound exciting so your buddies will come with you and off you go, excited by the prospect of sword fights and whatever other exciting things the Three Musketeers got up to. Making nougat?

The next chapter consists of a few decisions where you leave behind all of the Three Musketeers to never be seen again (until the super secret ending!). And to pad out your travels to England, you encounter the dumbest maze in text adventure history. It's just an 8 x 8 grid with no tricks at all. If you go east, you can always return to the previous location by going west! You just map it out and that's that. And why a Computer Novel needed a maze is a question I'm not capable of answering. I would have had more trouble if they'd forced me to read a few pages of the actual novel.

So now, by Chapter Three, you've reached England and lost all the Musketeers. In England, you just travel in a bunch of different directions until the Duke tells you what to do in Chapter Four.

And then Chapter Four comes along and all it is is traveling south and guessing which person you meet gets which item! Sure, there are clues to the way the Duke described them and the way the people answer the door. But with the emulator's quick save, I wasn't paying attention at all.

And, Spoiler Alert, you finally save the Queen somehow from some MEAN (no, not evil or ruthless or ingenious or sadistic. MEAN!) plan by the Cardinal. The game also describes an ambush where you're fired upon by guns as MEAN.

The game is riddled with spelling and grammar errors. The best parts of the game were the moments I ran into some horribly mangled word or a catastrophic turn of phrase. What a special way to honor a beloved author!

Speaking of honoring the author, the last screen of the game says, "This game is dedicated to Alexandre Dumas (1803-1870). May the memory of him live on through this program." Really? It's through this shitty little program that makes no sense and isn't any fun that you hope his memory will be kept alive? Yeah, forget the actual books. Too long! And they're probably filled with lots of intrigue and action and excitement! Just like this game isn't!

SCORES

Game Title: It's literature! When has that been fun?
Puzzles: If only there had been some.
Gameplay: Boring.
Graphics: Perfect for this concept.
Concept: Horrible.
Fun Time: Aside from laughing at the game's mistakes, not much.

(A version of this review was published on Places & Predators like a decade ago. Get used to some old material since this is the site I want all of these to be archived!)